Growing Pains and Magnifying Glasses

People like me.

And, that's where the problem begins.

It's graduation season, and many of the young ladies and men I mentor in my theater group have crossed the stage over the weekend, most on the same day. There are also some outside of the group who were handed their diploma and are looking forward to higher education (and dorm parties) come August. I'm proud of each and every one of them, and when I get time I've told most of them I'd take them out as a token of congratulations from me. From the beginning of prom season up until now, I've been getting invited to "see-offs", graduations, graduation parties and more. With my hectic schedule, it's hard to keep up with them all, but I sincerely do my best. All of this has got me to thinking...

...what is it about me makes the youth draw to me the way they do?

I can recall sitting in a rehearsal one day; and the group was going around to each person in our circle individually to tell that person what they like most about them, and something they think that person can work on. When it was my turn, I was moved to tears. To hear so many young women and men call me their role model really made me glad to know that I'm being a positive influence. What really got to me was one of the young poets in the group (who is also a blogger) said something to me that I can't remember word for word, but it went something like this:

"You have so many people who look up to you, I'm afraid I'll become a follower ...there are always people coming up to you; asking for advice, I don't know where'd I fit in..."

To this day, what she said still holds weight to me, and I hope she's reading because I never told her

that. The crazy thing is, if these children only knew that sometimes I find myself looking up to THEM, they'd probably laugh at me! The generation behind me is sometimes a scary one, but they are so filled with creativity and genius that it gives me chills. I wish I was as brave and outspoken as a child like the youth that I know. I admire them as much as they admire me, if not more. What they don't know about is the pressure I feel I'm under sometimes trying to stay in a positive light for them. It's hard to please everybody, but I think it's even harder to maintain an image for people who look up to you, and if these children knew a piece of my life outside of Nu World, poetry, blogs and drumming they may not like me anymore. LOL, seriously; I'm not perfect, but to some I must shit rainbows.

As I get older, I meet new groups of children and acquire more brothers and sisters. I recently worked at a rites of passage program for young men, grades 6-8. They hated my guts in the beginning because I disciplined them with pushups and six inches, but by the end of the program I've gotten more hugs and smiles than mean mugs. I've become attached to some of the high schoolers who come into my job everyday, and I even overheard one of them describing me to his friends as his "big sister and confidante". In the cultural community I'm in, women with young daughters come up to me and ask if I would be willing to give drum lessons to their aspiring musicians in diapers. There's even a young woman that I've known all of her life who has recently become a little sister to me. She comes to me with any and every issue she has, and I'm always more than willing to listen and offer advice when needed. I'm really glad to see her following her dreams, and she's becoming a music junkie like myself. We're still working on that last part. =)

So; Cortney W, Zakirah, Akilah, Nia and Cortney: I'm proud of all of you. You five stay on the path you're on, you're headed in the right directions. Congrats on graduating and making the next step to college. I can never say I only have 2 sisters, because it's obvious I've adopted you all as my own. I love you! Congratulations to all the graduates, really. And to anyone who's ever walked up to me and called me their role model, I'm doing my best for you so you can do your best for the people who are beginning to look up to you.

(deuces.)

Letting You In.

When I sat down to blog, the first thing I was thinking of typing was another rendition of that Facebook virus "25 Random Things About Me". But, no; I decided to be an onion and shed another layer for my readers*. Give you guys a deeper look into the encryptic mass that is my mind. It's a trip sometimes; having my inner most thoughts on a daily basis could cripple some people, but Someone thought it necessary to instill them in me. So, that mini epiphany aside, I'm going to talk about something I love more than anything. Ha! I said, something, so surprise...I won't be including another blogisode in the "I Love This Man: Scuba Steve" files with this post.

I'm talking about Audio Engineering.

It's my passion, literally. Engineering sound is something that I've loved for a long time; not as long as I've loved music but it's a pretty close second. And I don't just mean faders and pans, I'm talking signal flow--EQs, phantom power high/low cuts...all the in-betweens. Even went to school for it, and now it's something I'm slowly starting to make moves in. Today, I realized that I have my goals in order; I consider it an accomplishment because not only is each goal detailed, but I am doing the things to make my goals attainable. To put it plainly: I'm feeling pretty damn good about the way wheels are beginning to turn. There was a time where I was often pessimistic about a lot of things, but constant trips to rock bottom have finally served a purpose, and now I'm actually seeing a silver lining. Plus, I also started noticing that my negative thoughts had a habit of coming to fruition, so I learned quickly to not speak every thing into existance.

Long and short? I'd love to be the Chief Engineer/Mixer of a recording studio. Behind the scenes is definitely where it's at for me; the idea of being the person to make your music really sound like something makes me drunk with power. Honestly, I love the fact that it really is a science to sound, and a certain technique that should be mastered when it comes to the art of Mixing. I'm not talking about mixing like your favorite DJ, I mean automating the horns to crescendo when the chorus drops in; or tweaking a gate on kick drum to give it that sound like the pedal is made of feathers when it strikes the head. Or, better yet; what kinds of microphones require phantom power to fully function? What's the difference between a monitor fader and an input fader? I know. And it's because I love knowing that I figure the best way to make money is to be the best in what I love best.

My brother is a person who has somewhat the same desire as me, so we've put our brains together and created a production company. I won't be crazy and reveal every tiny detail, but I will say we have a team. We're basically a family of drummers, writers, dancers, actors, tag artists, emcees...we've got a team. Please note: this is not some lame attempt to "feel myself" in any matter. Arrogance is a quality I tend to have zero tolerance for, and hypocrisy is another that gets under my skin. I wish not to combine the two, but I am happy to have certain people in my life because I know they're here for a reason. Sliding back to the matter at hand, I would like to mention that the first track that you hear when stopping by my blog is actually a track that we've made. We go by the name of BlackMuzik, and if this post wasn't long enough already, I'd include a backstory on how we got the name. Next post, I promise. Anyways, we have a Myspace page up, and if you ask us, it's doing fairly well.

http://www.myspace.com/blackmuzikpro

That's just in case you didn't see the link in the above paragraph. We're always looking for new friends to share our music with, so if you've got a Myspace page somewhere in your social networking rolodex, add us to your list of cool friends.

All in all, I'm loving the direction I'm going in. It was a tricky start, but I'm glad to get the ball rolling in some shape or fashion. Maybe I'll have another post about this in the near future, but with even better news.

Thanks for reading; I know this was long, but you learned something else about me. How cool is that?!

(deuces.)

*Just wanted to say a quick Welcome to new readers. Having readers makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks again, all of you are awesome...and your blogs rock!

"I wrote this blog a long time ago, it was the dopest blog I ever wrote..."

...in '94.

Okay, not really; but here's something I posted on my Myspace blog a while back, before I discovered the blogger world. It was one of those long, long nights when thinking too hard can lead to...well, what you're about to read. It's basically a collections of things I've learned in Life's Relationships Course. Strictly my own opinion, of course, but if you feel the need to share your thoughts on the four letter word that gets us all in trouble, don't hesitate to drop a comment.


Love gives someone else the ability to hurt you more than you could ever hurt yourself. By either saying or returning those three words, and meaning them, you're opening yourself to a world that's new to you; and sometimes you may never figure it out. Walk the roads with the skeletons in your closet as your buddy system, you may have to return to them for twisted guidance. Past hurt will either tell you what to do, or what NOT to pursue. The only choice you have in love is when to love harder; stopping is an option, but sometimes not an easy one. Love can sometimes equal to stupidity, it can be compared to staring directly into the sun; looking into something so beautiful for so long may blind you.

Be careful in love, some make it out with their sanity, some not at all. Each experience should be taken as a lesson, take notes; there will be pop quizzes. The final exam is in the end...have you grown? Or have you been blinded too much to grow?

When asking "what's wrong?", "nothing" will be the loudest word you ever hear. Period.

Silence can kill you, fill the room like the coldest tension. Making the first move could be like stepping out onto a minefield. The smallest thing can set off the most disastrous reaction; think and choose your words wisely.

Love also has a positive, brighter side. Growth, maturity, maybe wisdom. Some of the greatest lessons in life can be learned in love, if "done" correctly. Love is selflessness. Despite the popular saying, love IS saying sorry. Humility is often a trait human beings lack; love will help you to develop this. Love can make you smarter, a relationship is a general waste if you aren't learning. It is acceptance under all conditions, and in that, it's learning that sometimes there is no such thing as a "flaw"; just a personality trait that you may not have.
Love is maturity when, God forbid, it's all over.
Love is not stagnation. If you feel there's nowhere to go in a relationship, sticking around and waiting for change is pointless as well as naive.
Love is laughter, anger, sadness. How you cope with the emotional rollercoaster will affect you for your lifetime. Love is never perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. Fairy tales aren't even perfect until the end. Love is truth even when it hurts, that's when it counts most.
Love is a ride and a journey. YOUR decisions in love will ultimately affect not only your life, but that of your mate. Your thoughts are ultimately his/her thoughts, use those wisely, as well.
Love is loving yourself harder first....to make it a breeze loving someone else just as hard.

(deuces.)

poetry quickie: blessings

Thanks for coming through
Just when I figured out how
To come through for You.



*Just a reminder that sometimes we don't get those prayers answered until we do a little of the work.
It's hump day people! The weekend is upon us! And I feel a blog spree coming...
...yall be safe.

(deuces.)

psychology.

*before I begin, I'd like to gloat and say...check out my blog spree, kid.

B-)

True, it's not what I've been saying I'll post; truthfully, I know those posts will require more attention and time. This post, the five previous, and maybe more to follow, have been strictly off the cranium. Happenstance, if you will. I'd advise you to enjoy it while it lasts; I'm human, and subject to brain farts, thus; lack of focus/drive from time to time. To be frank: Blogging won't be priority for some time. :)

I'm taking this mental regurgitation as a blessing, because writing is definitely still my second greatest release. Music is still the first love. Although, some would argue that writing/poetry is music. I'm rambling.

To the post.*

I talk about Scuba Steve a lot. But, honestly, at the end of the day; Scuba isn't the one who brought me into this world and basically molded me to love him (ha, my own "I love you", to you babe). I've gotta talk about the woman who knows me better than any person ever will. Seriously. We shared an umbilical cord, man. An umbilical cord.

It's mommy!

Twins, right? Those who know us know that it's terribly difficult to distinguish who's who over the phone; and I've been subject to many an unwanted conversation because people call for moms, assume it's her when it's really me, and keep talking. She's the one who I tell literally everything to; I confide in her even when some things I tell her may hurt her, because she wants to be there for me in any way possible. She helps me when she knows she shouldn't or doesn't have to. We compete against eachother in silly little contests, like the ticket stub count. And no matter how many times she may say it, I really do know a good half of those life lessons she's always talking about. I'm an old soul, and I credit that to her, but she sometimes doesn't give me credit in knowing because...well, she's mommy.
My mother is a mental health therapist. She used to work directly with clients; substance abusers who have mental illnesses, but now she serves as a Grant Director for a counseling program. Smart as a whip. And due to her psychology background, she often benefits in having in-house patients: myself, my brother and father. Last night, my brother and I were tripping because we finally figured out one of moms' tactics. Ha! We finally have it down to a science. It's like this: you're in trouble, and YOUR response could either further the trouble you're in, or kill the whole situation. You can either diffuse the situation, or say the wrong thing and face consequences. The thing about the latter is...she can confuse you; make you think you're off the hook, then the next thing you know, it's 7AM (on your day off) and you're the victim of a random tongue lashing while half asleep. No bueno.

So, moms: we've got you figured out, somewhat. Regardless of the mind games (ohhhhh, the games), you're still an awesome woman. Don't stop being awesome.
I'm only being cheesy-nice because I'm hoping to inherit that psychology gene to use on my children. I've been waiting for so long to say "because I said so!"...*evil laugh*

(deuces.)

poem 16/30: announcement (haiku #3)

"i love you" is not
a magic phrase to get legs
open. try again.

poem 12/30: big words (haiku#2)

get my attention
by using words with more than
just two syllables.

poem 8/30: dreams of Paris

God forbid the day I meet you is at your funeral
heard your name only one handful of times
pieced together my own vision of you
army man with a country accent
and even though you hate him, i'm sure you look like daddy
but you could be none of those things
what i am sure of
is the fact that we're blood
my oldest brother
product of a rolling stone and a young mind looking for affection in the wrong places
now a known unknown
find myself wondering if i have any nieces and nephews
living in the same city as me
missing out on play fights
real fights
and "boy" talks
you were supposed to teach me what you know about the birds and the bees
tease me when i peaked puberty
be the threatening looming presence at the seeing off of my first prom
but your mother planted a seed
and you nursed it on your own
hatred for father spawned your eventual disappearance
it is I who wants to know you
I am a product as well
not the problem
do not run from me.
there's still time
be the threatening looming presence to the man I want to marry
give the piggyback rides you owe me to your future niece and nephew
be my blood
all i need is an introduction
at least a genuine mental picture
curious to see who you look like
whose habits you've picked up
lefty or righty
blue or white collar
so many things to learn about someone who should be here
my brother
a complete stranger.

poem 6/30: we real cool '08.

we pop shit. we
shoot quick. we
need love. we
worship drugs. we
die for fame. we
don't change. we
stay the same. we've
lost our names.

btw: Gwendolyn Brooks? Dope.

:o)

30/30, 20/20 and updates; oh my!

For those who enjoyed the holiday last week, stuffing yourself until your pants opened up on their own, great job.

I'm going to try and keep this brief...
Just took a look at my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything...well, personal...in a good while. I mean, my blog is titled "Oooh, Hecky Nawl; That Guhl Is Raw." for a reason, and according to the tagline I typed for the description, I'm supposed to be guiding you readers (sans seatbelt) through my random, turbulent, awesomely awesome music-filled life. However, the past few weeks for me? Not enough time in the day, not enough emotions in my mental bank or for my hormones to handle, and ultimately no time to blog unless it was something nonrelated to my stressful life--at the moment. Between work, more work, performances, personal problems and holiday time, something had to be left on the back burner. What's been going on, you ask? Allow me to bring you up to speed:

-Spent some time in Philly with the fam. My cousin is a student at UArts and she had a performance/final to put on, so everyone (check the picture) drove up to see her. I enjoyed the whole show, seeing other students pieces was pretty fun, but her piece stole the show. She really made her sister proud. Filling up half of the theater was pretty hilarious as well, all the chairs marked "Reserved for Wombwork Productions, Inc." LMAO, the families of the other students were livid.

-Thanksgiving was wonderful. Dinner at two houses? I won't complain. Didn't really eat much, but the time for family fellowship is always welcome to me. My best friend's also been in town, so I got a chance to hang out with him; and my cousin finally came home from Frostburg State University for the holiday break.

-Nu World was presented with the opportunity to perform for the Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He came to Baltimore to speak about outreach programs in the city. He was very excited to hear "music from home", as we did our very best rendition of a Miriam Makeba classic; a South African freedom song that literally translates "our mothers prayed, and because they prayed; we're still here, we're still fighting and we'll never give up the struggle for total freedom." Awkward moment: the whole event was held in a Catholic church, so after the choir sang their songs, and we performed...no applause. Weird. Very funny man, I swear. He had us (Nu World) cracking up as he practically shat on America, saying things like, "Your country is very funny, yes? What other place can you go where someone drags a man behind a truck, then elects a man of African descent as president?! Amazing!" or "First you have 700 BILLION dollars...then...poof! It's all gone! How?" I enjoyed being in his energy, he's a political icon, and now one more person I can check off of my "People I'd Like to Meet" list. This year alone I performed for the Last Poets, met Amiri Baraka, and now I can say I've performed for Desmond Tutu. Now, if I could just touch the hem of Angela Davis' garment...lmao. She's #1 on the list.

-Got some new specks. Ahhhh, yes, I'm a tad visually impaired. Only a tad, though; I'm not required to wear my glasses all the time, only during long periods at the PC and reading. I think they look pretty neat. The best part about them? F-R-E-E! Yes, I did get up at 6:30AM to make sure I got a free eye exam and free glasses. Free. My favorite word. Ha.

-And finally: Scuba Steve. Wowwwww. We've really been through it since 11/15. I've felt like I've been holding my breath for two and a half weeks, but as of today, everything is okay. Well, not okay; but better than what they've been. We've both got a lot of work to do. I won't go into details about exactly what happened, but I will say that I've matured significantly during this off time. Something from the past (read: before we were together) came back and almost kicked both our asses. Mentally? We were both screwed. A very emotional time for us both. We've even lost a few pounds due to stress. The thought of me having to let him go, and his thoughts of losing me were too much for us to handle. There's that double edged sword I was talking about. This issue was a good bulk of my sort of absence from...well, everything. I pretty much alienated myself from everyone and everything for the first few days, then gradually worked my way back as we tried our best to move along. Scuba and I are basically starting over. *sigh* But...I really believe it's all worth it.

Wow. That was nowhere near brief. LOL, sorry. Last thing, though: I've been promising and promising some poetry for you guys for a while now, and now it's time for me to shit or get off the pot. After doing some brief research in my hometown, I've come to the conclusion that no one has heard of 30 poems in 30 days. However, it won't stop me from doing my own! So after this post, the next blog you see from me will be Day1/Poem1, up until I've reached my 30 days. Thanks to Riv for posting her blog a while back and sparking my interest. Until next time...

(deuces.)

btw: for those who have asked or are wondering...yes, the picture at the top of the blog is me. The good ole days... :o)

"...when it hits, you feel no pain...so, hit me with music..."

The break may be over now. Not sure, really. I just really needed some time to think about certain events highlighting my life, and over thinking could cloud the gut instinct-type decision I've already made to handle the situation.

Now, the reason of this post: if anyone has been reading the random things that show up on this blog, you'll know that I am a music fiend. I'm an 80s baby, so by default I should be accustomed to the wonderful sounds of Hip Hop, but noooo; I tend to share my love of all things music with all genres. Yes, country music even gets love from me, too. Gasp.

The genre I listen to usually mirrors my mood. If I'm in a sad mood (as of now), I tend to listen to jazz (Dizzy), blues (Lena&Billie), or old school R&B. No, I'm not talkin' "...never trust a big butt and a smile!" (sidenote: If you clicked the link, I'm not saying this song isn't classic. I'm just taking it a little further back. That song was actually my favorite song as a little [little] girl.), I'm talking about Phyllis (one of my personal faves), Chaka, Gladys, Tina; Teena, Luther, Marvin (swoon), et cetera. Sometimes I may have a thought in my head that brews uncontrollably, so I accompany the mental storm with Igor Stravinsky's "The Rite of Spring". Note: Vaslav Nijinsky was a sick choreographer. So there is a positive to being a (sometimes) moody woman...finding the best song to describe your feelings at the time, especially if there's not a soul who will understand how're you're feeling right now. You know what I mean.

Today, I stumbled across some music on Imeem.com--they've stepped their game up on the html tip and decided that they'd like the music to be continuous during your cyber visit. So, intstead of the music stopping if you've only selected one song, poof! Some little Imeem wizard automatically takes you to another mp3, "randomly" selected according to the artist/genre you chose. I can't even remember what I've been listening to; I was feeling pretty random today, so I just let my ears drown in whatever I stumbled upon. All of a sudden, there it was.

Now, to some people; at first listen it may persuade you to break out the glo-sticks and pacifiers, but it's really a decent song. Great "believe in yourself!" themed lyrics, upbeat tempo; something you can vibe and maybe two step to. There's a mellow voice to sweeten the pot, not Fantasia, but not yet Clay...but not yet Kelly...that American Idol manufactored voice that you may rarely like. Sorry, Idol fans.

Point is, given my situation, I may have never given this song a listen until now. I'm not saying that this is the techno power ballad to end all techno power ballads...but it's damn sure a picker-upper.

Then the Imeem wizard must have felt my desire to laugh, so poof! This played after.

LMFAO.

(deuces.)