Letting You In.

When I sat down to blog, the first thing I was thinking of typing was another rendition of that Facebook virus "25 Random Things About Me". But, no; I decided to be an onion and shed another layer for my readers*. Give you guys a deeper look into the encryptic mass that is my mind. It's a trip sometimes; having my inner most thoughts on a daily basis could cripple some people, but Someone thought it necessary to instill them in me. So, that mini epiphany aside, I'm going to talk about something I love more than anything. Ha! I said, something, so surprise...I won't be including another blogisode in the "I Love This Man: Scuba Steve" files with this post.

I'm talking about Audio Engineering.

It's my passion, literally. Engineering sound is something that I've loved for a long time; not as long as I've loved music but it's a pretty close second. And I don't just mean faders and pans, I'm talking signal flow--EQs, phantom power high/low cuts...all the in-betweens. Even went to school for it, and now it's something I'm slowly starting to make moves in. Today, I realized that I have my goals in order; I consider it an accomplishment because not only is each goal detailed, but I am doing the things to make my goals attainable. To put it plainly: I'm feeling pretty damn good about the way wheels are beginning to turn. There was a time where I was often pessimistic about a lot of things, but constant trips to rock bottom have finally served a purpose, and now I'm actually seeing a silver lining. Plus, I also started noticing that my negative thoughts had a habit of coming to fruition, so I learned quickly to not speak every thing into existance.

Long and short? I'd love to be the Chief Engineer/Mixer of a recording studio. Behind the scenes is definitely where it's at for me; the idea of being the person to make your music really sound like something makes me drunk with power. Honestly, I love the fact that it really is a science to sound, and a certain technique that should be mastered when it comes to the art of Mixing. I'm not talking about mixing like your favorite DJ, I mean automating the horns to crescendo when the chorus drops in; or tweaking a gate on kick drum to give it that sound like the pedal is made of feathers when it strikes the head. Or, better yet; what kinds of microphones require phantom power to fully function? What's the difference between a monitor fader and an input fader? I know. And it's because I love knowing that I figure the best way to make money is to be the best in what I love best.

My brother is a person who has somewhat the same desire as me, so we've put our brains together and created a production company. I won't be crazy and reveal every tiny detail, but I will say we have a team. We're basically a family of drummers, writers, dancers, actors, tag artists, emcees...we've got a team. Please note: this is not some lame attempt to "feel myself" in any matter. Arrogance is a quality I tend to have zero tolerance for, and hypocrisy is another that gets under my skin. I wish not to combine the two, but I am happy to have certain people in my life because I know they're here for a reason. Sliding back to the matter at hand, I would like to mention that the first track that you hear when stopping by my blog is actually a track that we've made. We go by the name of BlackMuzik, and if this post wasn't long enough already, I'd include a backstory on how we got the name. Next post, I promise. Anyways, we have a Myspace page up, and if you ask us, it's doing fairly well.

http://www.myspace.com/blackmuzikpro

That's just in case you didn't see the link in the above paragraph. We're always looking for new friends to share our music with, so if you've got a Myspace page somewhere in your social networking rolodex, add us to your list of cool friends.

All in all, I'm loving the direction I'm going in. It was a tricky start, but I'm glad to get the ball rolling in some shape or fashion. Maybe I'll have another post about this in the near future, but with even better news.

Thanks for reading; I know this was long, but you learned something else about me. How cool is that?!

(deuces.)

*Just wanted to say a quick Welcome to new readers. Having readers makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks again, all of you are awesome...and your blogs rock!

just for kicks: peep the header photo...

...yeah, the picture at the tippy top of the blog. The biiiig picture.
Ha, it's me. Just had a sweet moment of nostalgia with moms for a quick second; started looking at pictures from yesteryear. You know, sit on the couch and reminisce for hours type of nostalgia. That picture was taken in a time where my daddy's short fro was still only slightly peppered with gray, and me and mommy's hair was cornrowed in similar patterns...with wooden beads, thank you. It also reminds me of a time I sometimes miss most; a time when phrases like "bank account" and "payment due" weren't in my not-too-limited vernacular. A time when I had no idea what cooties even was...and what was the big deal about boys, anyway?? The only thing I was concerned with was being in front of the tv in time for Care Bears, Smurfs, Reading Rainbow (my all-time-FAVORITE); and making sure I carried my "My First Library" series with me whereever I went.

Ahhhh. I really, really miss those days.

But...check the Garfield nightgown, though. And...are those minnie mouse slippers?
Who's working on building a time machine?! Sheesh!

(deuces.)

psychology.

*before I begin, I'd like to gloat and say...check out my blog spree, kid.

B-)

True, it's not what I've been saying I'll post; truthfully, I know those posts will require more attention and time. This post, the five previous, and maybe more to follow, have been strictly off the cranium. Happenstance, if you will. I'd advise you to enjoy it while it lasts; I'm human, and subject to brain farts, thus; lack of focus/drive from time to time. To be frank: Blogging won't be priority for some time. :)

I'm taking this mental regurgitation as a blessing, because writing is definitely still my second greatest release. Music is still the first love. Although, some would argue that writing/poetry is music. I'm rambling.

To the post.*

I talk about Scuba Steve a lot. But, honestly, at the end of the day; Scuba isn't the one who brought me into this world and basically molded me to love him (ha, my own "I love you", to you babe). I've gotta talk about the woman who knows me better than any person ever will. Seriously. We shared an umbilical cord, man. An umbilical cord.

It's mommy!

Twins, right? Those who know us know that it's terribly difficult to distinguish who's who over the phone; and I've been subject to many an unwanted conversation because people call for moms, assume it's her when it's really me, and keep talking. She's the one who I tell literally everything to; I confide in her even when some things I tell her may hurt her, because she wants to be there for me in any way possible. She helps me when she knows she shouldn't or doesn't have to. We compete against eachother in silly little contests, like the ticket stub count. And no matter how many times she may say it, I really do know a good half of those life lessons she's always talking about. I'm an old soul, and I credit that to her, but she sometimes doesn't give me credit in knowing because...well, she's mommy.
My mother is a mental health therapist. She used to work directly with clients; substance abusers who have mental illnesses, but now she serves as a Grant Director for a counseling program. Smart as a whip. And due to her psychology background, she often benefits in having in-house patients: myself, my brother and father. Last night, my brother and I were tripping because we finally figured out one of moms' tactics. Ha! We finally have it down to a science. It's like this: you're in trouble, and YOUR response could either further the trouble you're in, or kill the whole situation. You can either diffuse the situation, or say the wrong thing and face consequences. The thing about the latter is...she can confuse you; make you think you're off the hook, then the next thing you know, it's 7AM (on your day off) and you're the victim of a random tongue lashing while half asleep. No bueno.

So, moms: we've got you figured out, somewhat. Regardless of the mind games (ohhhhh, the games), you're still an awesome woman. Don't stop being awesome.
I'm only being cheesy-nice because I'm hoping to inherit that psychology gene to use on my children. I've been waiting for so long to say "because I said so!"...*evil laugh*

(deuces.)

30/30, 20/20 and updates; oh my!

For those who enjoyed the holiday last week, stuffing yourself until your pants opened up on their own, great job.

I'm going to try and keep this brief...
Just took a look at my blog and realized that I haven't posted anything...well, personal...in a good while. I mean, my blog is titled "Oooh, Hecky Nawl; That Guhl Is Raw." for a reason, and according to the tagline I typed for the description, I'm supposed to be guiding you readers (sans seatbelt) through my random, turbulent, awesomely awesome music-filled life. However, the past few weeks for me? Not enough time in the day, not enough emotions in my mental bank or for my hormones to handle, and ultimately no time to blog unless it was something nonrelated to my stressful life--at the moment. Between work, more work, performances, personal problems and holiday time, something had to be left on the back burner. What's been going on, you ask? Allow me to bring you up to speed:

-Spent some time in Philly with the fam. My cousin is a student at UArts and she had a performance/final to put on, so everyone (check the picture) drove up to see her. I enjoyed the whole show, seeing other students pieces was pretty fun, but her piece stole the show. She really made her sister proud. Filling up half of the theater was pretty hilarious as well, all the chairs marked "Reserved for Wombwork Productions, Inc." LMAO, the families of the other students were livid.

-Thanksgiving was wonderful. Dinner at two houses? I won't complain. Didn't really eat much, but the time for family fellowship is always welcome to me. My best friend's also been in town, so I got a chance to hang out with him; and my cousin finally came home from Frostburg State University for the holiday break.

-Nu World was presented with the opportunity to perform for the Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He came to Baltimore to speak about outreach programs in the city. He was very excited to hear "music from home", as we did our very best rendition of a Miriam Makeba classic; a South African freedom song that literally translates "our mothers prayed, and because they prayed; we're still here, we're still fighting and we'll never give up the struggle for total freedom." Awkward moment: the whole event was held in a Catholic church, so after the choir sang their songs, and we performed...no applause. Weird. Very funny man, I swear. He had us (Nu World) cracking up as he practically shat on America, saying things like, "Your country is very funny, yes? What other place can you go where someone drags a man behind a truck, then elects a man of African descent as president?! Amazing!" or "First you have 700 BILLION dollars...then...poof! It's all gone! How?" I enjoyed being in his energy, he's a political icon, and now one more person I can check off of my "People I'd Like to Meet" list. This year alone I performed for the Last Poets, met Amiri Baraka, and now I can say I've performed for Desmond Tutu. Now, if I could just touch the hem of Angela Davis' garment...lmao. She's #1 on the list.

-Got some new specks. Ahhhh, yes, I'm a tad visually impaired. Only a tad, though; I'm not required to wear my glasses all the time, only during long periods at the PC and reading. I think they look pretty neat. The best part about them? F-R-E-E! Yes, I did get up at 6:30AM to make sure I got a free eye exam and free glasses. Free. My favorite word. Ha.

-And finally: Scuba Steve. Wowwwww. We've really been through it since 11/15. I've felt like I've been holding my breath for two and a half weeks, but as of today, everything is okay. Well, not okay; but better than what they've been. We've both got a lot of work to do. I won't go into details about exactly what happened, but I will say that I've matured significantly during this off time. Something from the past (read: before we were together) came back and almost kicked both our asses. Mentally? We were both screwed. A very emotional time for us both. We've even lost a few pounds due to stress. The thought of me having to let him go, and his thoughts of losing me were too much for us to handle. There's that double edged sword I was talking about. This issue was a good bulk of my sort of absence from...well, everything. I pretty much alienated myself from everyone and everything for the first few days, then gradually worked my way back as we tried our best to move along. Scuba and I are basically starting over. *sigh* But...I really believe it's all worth it.

Wow. That was nowhere near brief. LOL, sorry. Last thing, though: I've been promising and promising some poetry for you guys for a while now, and now it's time for me to shit or get off the pot. After doing some brief research in my hometown, I've come to the conclusion that no one has heard of 30 poems in 30 days. However, it won't stop me from doing my own! So after this post, the next blog you see from me will be Day1/Poem1, up until I've reached my 30 days. Thanks to Riv for posting her blog a while back and sparking my interest. Until next time...

(deuces.)

btw: for those who have asked or are wondering...yes, the picture at the top of the blog is me. The good ole days... :o)

the battle continues...

I think it's the flu. Thanks to my brother (the original Host), I'm laying in bed, typing on this slow ass laptop, trying to get some work done. The right side of my head feels like it's stuffed with cotton, and some other crap. Juuuust the right side.
Had to call out from work yesterday. Missed work today, and some extra hours at another branch. Ugh! Money is calling, and my germy ass can't answer.
Bright side of things: Scuba Steve stopped by yesterday. Gave me a box of tissues, some TheraFlu...and a Care Bear! Grumpy Bear, to be precise.
I collect Care Bears.
:) the little things...♥

btw: got some new things to post; be back when I can make it downstairs without almost dying.

(deuces.)

edit: I just remembered that I bought tickets for Scuba Steve and I to see Murs, Kidz In The Hall and Rapper Big Pooh. The show's tomorrow. I need to get it together!

wrap it up, b!

So...it's been a few days. My bad. BUT...it's all for good reason.

Friday was my BIRTHDAY!

23 like Jordan. >:D

I really didn't expect to do/get much for my birthday; I'm at those "in between" years when you should basically thank God for living another year, and do whatever you feel is necessary to celebrate. No parties. However, I was proven wrong all weekend as I partied until I was floored! I believe the partying started Thursday night, and it was nowhere but up from there. Went and caught Saw V on Friday night, just a small group of folks; myself, Scuba Steve, my brother and his girl, a homeboy of mine and some old college friends of mine. I was invited to a surprise party on Saturday night, and Sunday, after Nu World's show; I threw a little gathering for the cast at my cousin's house.

Just basic stuff, but being surrounded by the folks I love made everything much more fun. Also took my mind off some depressing thoughts, as I will always remember my 21st birthday and the days surrounding it more vividly than any other birthday, ever. The events that occured before/after my 21st are not something I would wish to relive again, and ever since I've been finding myself, around 10/08, getting sadder and sadder. Definitely wasn't the case this year, so I'm beginning to feel like the curse has been broken!

My gifts were quite possibly the most kickass gifts I've gotten, not due to material value (BLAH), but simply because of who they came from. I'm a sneaker freak...and my brother bought me the first pair of Js I've ever owned. (LMAO@ that sentence. It is cool for black people to have never owned Jordans, right? People looked at me like I was crazy when I said I've never had a pair...not because I couldn't afford them, just not really into them. Gimme a pair of Chucks and we're good.) Moms got me a couple items from Zumiez and H&M, and pops slid some money my way, so more shopping was definitely in order come Saturday. I didn't ask for much...well, I didn't ask for anything, really; nothing specific that I wanted/needed, so whatever I got was a surprise to me. But...Gift of the Year Award has to go to Scuba Steve.

-two cards with mushy "i love you/you're my world/insert corny stuff here" content inside. one written by maya angelou, courtesy of hallmark

-tye die skirt with Rasta colors

-necklace with a sun pendant (he calls me "sunshine" *cheesy grin*)

-bottle of Patron XO Cafe (probably should be considered an alcoholic for loving this gift, but screw it; i like Patron. And XO Cafe is something I experienced once, and enjoyed...and I guess talked about too much? Maybe.)

And this took the cake.

Yes! A framed Angela Davis photo!

I don't call people "idols", but I will say that Ms. Davis is my inspiration. I've been writing to her, trying to find out if she's going to be speaking on the east coast, reading about her; for years. When I pulled this out of my bag, I almost cried. And the gifts may not seem like a lot to some, but I'm pretty simple when it comes to gift. Some people probably lie when they say this, but the thought really does count! And Angela's the best gift ever.

10/24 is now in the books.

crazy ass cat not included.

*side note* I'm sending my thoughts and prayers out to Jennifer Hudson. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with this blog, but I'm looking at cnn.com, and they just reported that the SUV's been found; possibly with the body of a little black boy inside. Sick, sick world we're living in.

who writes for the writer?

And I'm not talking about a ghostwriter.

Call me cocky...

but who's going to write about me?

Let me rephrase: who's going to write something for me?

Took a look at some of my past and present (more likely future) works.

I've dedicated a good bulk of my stories/poetry/journals to the lives of other people.

Sadly; more specifically, men.

But, I started to think...where's my poem?

I mean...I get the occasional "Za's dope" from my male buddies...

...is it wrong for me to want something on paper?

I wanna be swept off my feet by some mean ass metaphors.

I wanna snap my fingers to some long ass line too deep for me to truly comprehend, but I grasp it anyway.

I want someone to hear something someone wrote and say, "Oh yeah, that's definitely about Za!"

Hell, I'll even take some "roses are red, violets are blue" rudimentary, elementary, nonsensical writing.

Some "My First Stanza" shit.

So...where is it?

Or do I have to write this one myself as well?

*sigh*

Oooh, hecky nawl; that guhl is raw.

So...after much thought, procrastination, hesitation, preperation, minus this Jesse Jackson moment; I finally gave in and decided to open up my own blogspot. I've been a user of Myspace for the past couple years, and I'm pretty lazy when it comes to socializing; so, in that; I really could careless about sites with different names, but with the same aim. In my hermit mentality, it begins to present a problem: encountering the same people. I've posted 42 blogs on Myspace, and garnered the same response from some things I posted that, forgive my vanity; I thought was thee shit. And now, here I am, chilling with my feelers out; looking for those with my intellect.

I figured my "about me" was really kind of short, so I jacked some info from my Myspace life to share with you. But of course, being a multi dimnensional human such as my self (forgive the vanity again), this little peek into the window of the universe that is my mind will never be enough. Enjoy. And expect a new blog from me when...well, when I get that urge.

Hmmm. What can I really say about myself? There's really nothing out of the ordinary about me; the simple things make me...well, me. I'm a twenty two year old drummer, poet, actress, writer, yada yada yah...I'm an artist. My passion is music, and it's been so since my birth. If you consider yourself a friend to me, you'll know that my inspiration is Angela Davis, and no; it's not for her afro. I was pretty much raised to be the militant person I am today. How would you be if you were toted around to Louis Farrakhan speeches, attached to your mother's back in a homemade, African style baby carrier; or growing up in a household where the "Saturday House Cleaning" music included the likes of Fela Kuti, Third World, The Last Poets, Gil Scott Heron...see? I have my parents to thank gratefully for that. Music pretty much defines me, and I'm never biased toward it. You could see me bumping A Tribe Called Quest one minute, and The Mamas and the Papas in the next. I just might be the biggest Halo junkie in Baltimore City, and my best friend Duane and I will gladly scrape you in Team Doubles. Like to see me? I also love to play Rock Band (drums, of course) until my shins feel like they'll explode.

My nerdiness makes me. I can't play spades to save my life, but I can read an entire Harry Potter book in one sitting. Pick one; I have them all. I speak fluent Ubbi Dubbi and have a grand time confusing the hell out of people with it. My "outside the house" life includes skateboarding and collecting my movie ticket stubs for the entire year. Any ticket stubs, really. My mind is a catalog, containing some of the most useful, useless, wonderful information you'll ever need/want to know. I have song/movie quotes for days, and some apply to daily life. Not a big fan of Zane, or any of those "blaxploitation" books, really; but ask me how "Kindred" by Octavia Butler was. I never went pro, but basketball will always be my love. I have a very best friend named KC who lives in Atlanta; put us together in public and I'm pretty sure you'll escorted out of wherever you are. She's very random, much like me, so we're a matchmade in...whereever random people are made. And for the first time in my life, I can say, with much conviction, that I am in love. His name is Scuba Steve...well, that's what I call him. Point is, he makes me feel like I could sprout wings and fly to another galaxy if I wanted to. But I'd have to bring him with me. I'm pretty sure my heart will combust if it gets any bigger. That would be him a few lines up. :) Awesome, right? *sigh*.

All in all, I'm a big nerd who wanted to be a meteorologist in her younger days; with a sometimes mean streak (I've been told), who loves all music and all people. I don't waste my time biting my tongue; sugarcoating is for candy. I work at the library, and I teach kids. I hate arrogance and ignorance, but dry humor and sarcasm will always be favorites of mine. I spend most of my time dissecting the works of George Jackson, Amiri Baraka, Zora Neale Hurston, Toni Morrison, so many more; and vibing to Dead Prez when I'm feeling like "fighting the man". I'm the one that'll attend a skinhead rally with my "Imported from Africa...and I Didn't ask to Come" shirt on...and sit right in the front. I'm just that damn bold. And I really do own that shirt, lol. My circle of friends is tighter than airport security on July 4th. Raised Christian, practicing Human Being; so my tolerance for learning is always very high. I'm Rock/Pop/Hip Hop/Reggae/Soul/R&B/Gospel/Jazz/Country/Emo/Metal/Punk/Techno...etc. I'm Za. Think I'm cool? Ha, I do too.