Options...

I have none. For now.

Seven days from today, I will technically be out of a job. I say 'technically' because it seems that my job was made "seasonal" at last minute (read: some people are intimidated by the youngest black employee running things), and the higher ups decided to tell me YESTERDAY that they won't be able to accomodate me during the summer.

"See you in August, and enjoy your summer", was the end of the e-mail I received in reply to the e-mail I sent days/weeks ago, to a woman I work right beside who could've easily given me an on-the-spot answer to my query. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. Won't go into details, but I'll say it's fulfilled a young nerdy dream of mine. But, as much as I hate to admit, there are certain people who don't want me here, and since they have the "power" to make it happen, it's happened. To start, this job is only part time, but the hours I was promised when I was offered the job were not the hours I've been working since I started. Keeping cool, I've had plenty of meetings with the "higher-ups" about acquiring more hours, and I always got the same answer: "We have to check our budget for the end of our Fiscal year, and get back to you." So, how is it that my coworker with the same job title as me was able to work almost DOUBLE the hours I work per week? I guess I'd be typical for pulling the race card, but damn it I'm gonna do it.

Time and time again there have been meeting after meeting, with no end result. I was accused of being late a certain PERCENTAGE of Fridays and forced to sign a paper stating I received "verbal counseling", while I watch my caucasian counterpart stroll in 20 minutes late everyday without a slap on the wrist. Double U Tee Eff. I've let it roll off my back because I had no intentions of staying here permanently, but I've grown attached to (some) of my coworkers, and the teens I met while working here.

*note: I started typing this yesterday (6/24), and when I came in today I was pulled into yet another meeting. What annoys me is the whole "*Susan says...", and I never talk to *Susan! This job can officially kiss my ass.*

So now, come Tuesday...hell, I don't know. I've known of my "break" since early May, and I've been actively looking for a job since my first conflict with the crazy people here. What's funny is, it looks like they actually expect me to take a break and return at the start of the school year. HA! If I had the means to, I would have quit a while ago. But alas, finding a career in my field of interest is pretty difficult so I've had to hold off my grande exit for some time.

Not finding a job with my deadline so close has really got me in the hair pulling stress stage. My parents have been keeping my spirits up; with the "just pray, and BELIEVE" mantra, which I appreciate and utilize, but Sprint won't keep my phone on if I call them and say "I'm praying I get a job so I can pay this already past due bill. Just believe in me, and I got you!" Neither will my other financial obligations. I have a specific plan and path for my career, and I've got my foot in the door...but I don't want the door to shut.

So now, I'm putting it out there: I'm a certified audio engineer with a degree in Mass Communications...and I'm damned good! If anyone knows of anybody hiring in the DMV area, feel free to drop a comment. I'm so serious.
(deuces.)

Growing Pains and Magnifying Glasses

People like me.

And, that's where the problem begins.

It's graduation season, and many of the young ladies and men I mentor in my theater group have crossed the stage over the weekend, most on the same day. There are also some outside of the group who were handed their diploma and are looking forward to higher education (and dorm parties) come August. I'm proud of each and every one of them, and when I get time I've told most of them I'd take them out as a token of congratulations from me. From the beginning of prom season up until now, I've been getting invited to "see-offs", graduations, graduation parties and more. With my hectic schedule, it's hard to keep up with them all, but I sincerely do my best. All of this has got me to thinking...

...what is it about me makes the youth draw to me the way they do?

I can recall sitting in a rehearsal one day; and the group was going around to each person in our circle individually to tell that person what they like most about them, and something they think that person can work on. When it was my turn, I was moved to tears. To hear so many young women and men call me their role model really made me glad to know that I'm being a positive influence. What really got to me was one of the young poets in the group (who is also a blogger) said something to me that I can't remember word for word, but it went something like this:

"You have so many people who look up to you, I'm afraid I'll become a follower ...there are always people coming up to you; asking for advice, I don't know where'd I fit in..."

To this day, what she said still holds weight to me, and I hope she's reading because I never told her

that. The crazy thing is, if these children only knew that sometimes I find myself looking up to THEM, they'd probably laugh at me! The generation behind me is sometimes a scary one, but they are so filled with creativity and genius that it gives me chills. I wish I was as brave and outspoken as a child like the youth that I know. I admire them as much as they admire me, if not more. What they don't know about is the pressure I feel I'm under sometimes trying to stay in a positive light for them. It's hard to please everybody, but I think it's even harder to maintain an image for people who look up to you, and if these children knew a piece of my life outside of Nu World, poetry, blogs and drumming they may not like me anymore. LOL, seriously; I'm not perfect, but to some I must shit rainbows.

As I get older, I meet new groups of children and acquire more brothers and sisters. I recently worked at a rites of passage program for young men, grades 6-8. They hated my guts in the beginning because I disciplined them with pushups and six inches, but by the end of the program I've gotten more hugs and smiles than mean mugs. I've become attached to some of the high schoolers who come into my job everyday, and I even overheard one of them describing me to his friends as his "big sister and confidante". In the cultural community I'm in, women with young daughters come up to me and ask if I would be willing to give drum lessons to their aspiring musicians in diapers. There's even a young woman that I've known all of her life who has recently become a little sister to me. She comes to me with any and every issue she has, and I'm always more than willing to listen and offer advice when needed. I'm really glad to see her following her dreams, and she's becoming a music junkie like myself. We're still working on that last part. =)

So; Cortney W, Zakirah, Akilah, Nia and Cortney: I'm proud of all of you. You five stay on the path you're on, you're headed in the right directions. Congrats on graduating and making the next step to college. I can never say I only have 2 sisters, because it's obvious I've adopted you all as my own. I love you! Congratulations to all the graduates, really. And to anyone who's ever walked up to me and called me their role model, I'm doing my best for you so you can do your best for the people who are beginning to look up to you.

(deuces.)

Guess Who's Back....Back Again...

Yeah...I've been absent from the blogosphere for juuuust a second. To be blunt, the real world is an awesome place. An awesome busy place in my case, for I've been running around like a chicken with no head for the past few weeks. ULTRA busy. Performances. Work. Performances, right after work. Meetings. More performances. Back to work. Etc; get the point? The only way to have an idea of what I'm doing is Twitter, and I only have time for that because I use that straight from my phone. Blog posts take too much thought for me to go mobile. And who knew I could drive out of state so many times in less than a month?! Whew!

Nevertheless, I'm back. Hopefully, I'll have some picture updates for you guys, and info about exactly what the hell I've been doing. A BlackMuzik update/post is in the works, and also a main reason behind my accidental hiatus.

I've been grinding, guys. Cut me a little slack, please?

(deuces.)

Gosh Darn Right, I'm Feelin' Myself.

Well, we're feeling ourselves.

If you listen to the music on this very blog, you're awesome beyond most awesome. If not, I suggest you get to a PC and turn the speakers uppppppppp!!!!!!

A big 'thank you' to the readers who have commented or sent me e-mails about my music. It's all deeply appreciated!

I said it before, and it won't kill me or you if I mention it again...in my playlist, all tracks that are a creation of BlackMuzik is marked with an *.

I suggest you take a listen to the first song on the playlist. I think it's jammin'.

I've finally decided to start talking a little more about my joint venture with my fam. I was apprehensive at first; I'd like this blog to maintain a non-commercial feel, but I also realize that the internet is a very powerful tool...and there are a lot of people reaping the benefits of wackness whilst I sit back in amazement at the newest dance craze via Youtube (wtF is a Ricky Bobby?!). I'm also no fool, I know networking is a small piece in the puzzle to my success. So, why not use it and try my chances just as others have? Right, Susan Boyle? I won't bombard you with polls, try to sell you "I Heart BlackMuzik" t-shirts or remind you that a mixtape is dropping. But; there will be member introductions, and I will inform you on the music we're making, the moves we're going to make, and our overall progress as a company.

Curious or not, this post is the intro to the series of posts that will be about BlackMuzik--who we are, what we do and our plans of world domination.

Stay tuned.

(deuces.)

Ziggy's Friday Forethought 7: It Started With A Random Keystyle...

For "my" sake

My sanity

You utter the sweetest blasphemy

From your lips to my heart

Creating its own heartbeat

But quickly dying

The root of it all is decaying

As I watch you fall to pieces

Three words to end you

You chose slowly

Not wisely

Know that I am able to soar without you

HE and I control my existence

Loved me before you "loved" me

So I can be all I need

You fail to see that is not I that can save you

You must save yourself.

THE MORAL:

Low self esteem seems to be a trend these days. It can be subtle, but it's there. I had a lot of things running through my mind while I sat at this PC, and the poem above is a result. This won't be a long FF entry for today. The message is simple: before you can love anyone else, you must love yourself first. Love yourself harder than anyone else does. You really can't love a person the way they deserve to be loved until you love yourself in that way first.

That's why I start each and everyday by looking in the mirror and saying, "Ziggy, YOU are THE SHIT!"

Joking. But mantras work, if you're into self affirmations.

Digressing...people often jump into relationships thinking that they'll feel better about themselves if they can find someone else to love them. Wrong. Pay attention, and after a while, that person that you wanted to love love love love you, alllll the time, is going to be out the door. You should not need a babysitter/parental figure in a significant other. Why would you even expect someone to love you if you can't love yourself?

Trust me. Self love is the best love.

Be blessed, and enjoy this beautiful weekend!

(deuces.)

btw: I'll probably have a couple of random posts in the next few days. And be on the lookout for a BlackMuzik update. :o)

Missing Pieces and Rolling Stones

As promised, I'm back, and boyyyyyy do I have a story to tell. I also noticed that I've been behind on some comments on the blogs I follow, so forgive me; I'm working my way back on track so you'll see something from me shortly!

Alright, I never blogged about this because I'm one of those "don't count your chickens before they hatch" type of people. I wanted things to pan out a little further before I opened my mouth, sometimes when you say something too soon things don't really happen the way you thought they would. I did, however, post a poem via my 30/30 a while back. But, everything seems to be going well so far, and I realized that I may have a reader (anon or otherwise) that has gone through or is going through the same thing, so why not share my story, right?

For the past few years, I've been looking for my older brother. My father told my brother and I about him when we were a little younger, I'd say I was 17 or 18. He never came as a surprise, especially after meeting a younger sister when I was 10, but I was always intrigued because he seemed like a sensitive subject to my father. Whenever I would ask about him, I got the same bits of information: first name (maybe the last), where he may be living...and now that I think about it, that's pretty much all I got. There were a lot of questions to go unanswered, like the question of why I didn't know him in the first place.

Fast forward to present time; last Monday. A coworker had given me a website that's used to locate people. I've tried different sites before and never got any desirable results, so I was a little skeptical of this site to say the least. I was also growing impatient; it was frustrating being the only one that was serious in finding my brother. My father's mother promised to try and find the last phone number she had that could help me, my brother's mother. No luck there. My father pretty much went into lockdown mode whenever I said my brother's name, so I gave up in asking him anything and decided to do this thing on my own. I'm playing around on the website, procrastinating really, when I decide to give it a shot. I type in my brother's name--and got way too many search results with too much information. Came to the conclusion that I would go back and try his name another time, so I tried typing in his mother's name. How crazy is it that ONE search result came up? The age was about right, the address and phone number were local...and the website had this feature that lists relatives linked to the search result--my brother's name was on the list. There was also a Norfolk, VA address linked to the search result, which was where I was told my brother lives. My gut told me to take a chance, so I wrote down the name, address and phone number of my who I believed to be was my brother's mother; and psyched myself up to call as soon as I got off from work.

IT WAS HER.

My mind was completely blown! She answered the phone, and once I asked "...is this Wilma *****?", things took off from there. She was surprised at how I found her information, and she of course had questions for me--how many more brothers and sisters I have, how old I am, why I wanted to find my brother, etc. Everything was moving so fast, I'd been actively looking for my brother for almost three years, and this is the closest I've gotten. Pretty damned good, right?! Our conversation went pretty smoothly, she assured me that she would give my brother my cellphone number. She couldn't promise that he would call, but she would talk to him because she believes we all have the right to "know who your siblings are, no matter the circumstancs between the parents". I thanked her for talking to me, ended the call and then cried in my car on the way home from work.

...and if you thought it was over...
*insert random 'can't stop, won't stop' Diddy soundbyte*

I'm happy to say my brother called last Friday! He's 38 years old, and I have two nieces and one nephew to add to my auntie roster. They're 20, 19 and 15. My brother's a Navy brat/retired police officer, which is totally ironic considering my distaste for law enforcement. The kicker to our whole conversation was that he told me he lives in northeast Baltimore. It may not seem like a big deal, but understand this: I spent a great deal of my mid-teenage life working in northeast as a mentor/performer, so I'm sure I've crossed him at least a few times, especially in his field. He sounds just like my other brothers, which leads me to believe that he looks exactly like daddy. But we'll see; he said he'd like to meet! I'm so excited and happy...and relieved. I feel like the piece that I thought was missing has been filled. I've always been unsettled with the possiblity that I could've went to school with one of my nephews/nieces (it happened before, I had a nephew in the same grade and same school), or perhaps my younger brother could have been pursuing his niece as a potential suitor, all because we didn't know who our family was! It's truly a blessing to have found him this fast. My mother's proud of me and how much passion I attacked this "case" with, but I find it unsettling knowing that I have a sibling that I don't even know what he looks like. That's about to change.

I'll keep you all updated as Operation: Family Unite/Expansion continues. In the meantime, if anyone has any stories of finding a loved one, sibling or not, feel free to hit up the comment section and spill your guts!

See, Riv? I had good darn reason to be gone, and it wasn't boo loving. Ha! :P

(deuces.)

365.

"Do you know what today is...it's our anniversary..."
-Tony Toni Tone "It's Our Anniversary"

365 days may not seem like a long time to anyone, but it holds significant value to me. See, for the past 365(+) days, I have loved, hugged, spent time with, kissed, dated, shared secrets with, been faithful to and given my heart to one man. Don't get me wrong, I've also had disagreements with, cried over and been upset with this man as well. But the former far outweighs the latter, and considering the emotional hell I've been through in my little time in the relationship field; I'm sure I can relax now. My proverbial knight in shining armor is here! *cue cheesy superhero sound*

Scuba and I are celebrating our first year anniversary today. Today marks one year since we mutually decided to be "exclusive"; one year of dates, meeting parents, hanging with eachother's families; becoming familiar. It's been a rollercoaster ride in the most positive way. I've learned a lot of things from this man, and I'm proud to say that I'm comfortable with the woman I'm becoming even in being with him. I've never once had to question my relationship because I was feeling that I was losing myself. Growth is like a personal mantra, and coincidentally stagnation has never been a concern. Every thing is good!

There's nothing really planned for us to do today, not to my knowledge; but I'm just happy and excited for the simple fact that this is my first first anniversary. Totally something new to me. I was in one other "serious" relationship before Scuba. "Serious" is quoted because well, let's just say after growing up I determined that nothing was really serious, but hormones and peaking puberty lead you to believe so. Digressing. Anyways, for a long time, after my first relationship was over, to put it shortly I was chilling to millionth degree. I mean, if you'd ask a select few of my girlfriends, I was referred to as a pimp. An exaggeration of course; I was just the only one in our circle that was not trying to be bunned up for any reason. They were having movie nights at home with their men while I was coming home from one date to get ready for the next. I was having fun, something I felt I deserved. Eleven months with the other dude left me emotionally frayed and in need of a cavity soul search, and even after him I encountered some guys with alterior motives or just not close enough to my own level for me. Every so often there was someone to have second thoughts on my single life, but they were all deaded before we even got the chance to have one of those late night "have you ever" conversations. What's crazy about Scuba and I being together is solely based around two things: we both met eachother as friends with only friend intentions. When Scuba first started inviting me to hang with him, it was always with a group of friends going bowling or to the pool hall. We both look back at this and laugh at the fact that we both say that there was no immediate attraction to one another, but are amazed at what we've come from. The other reason is that he's physically been close to me before I knew he existed...all my life. I found out he grew up a few houses down from my aunt's house, where I spent a lot of my time as a child; he used to live on a street that's walking distance from my house, and more recently when I first found out where he lives currently I tripped out when I discovered he was 8 minutes walking/2 minutes driving from my house. What are the chances?!

I've made this a bit long, and Scuba just texted me. Looks like I'll be going out :D so let me end this on a mushy note, song included!

Babe,

Happy Anniversary!!! We've been through a lot, but I'm glad that we're still able to press on. I'm excited and looking forward to sharing many more of these special days with you, as if any day with you isn't special enough. You may not think so sometimes, but you've taught me a lot. You taught me to love hard even when I was tired of it. You showed me that I could put my trust in a man and not have to second guess your feelings for me. You showed me that there really is a stronger love that is outside of family and close friends. You opened me up and helped me to be unafraid of my emotions. You make me laugh, smile, cry tears of joy; and I can feel each day with you get better and better. I could never regret anything that I'm saying here even if something were to happen to us, the lessons you've taught me are something I value most in our relationship, and I wouldn't be sad to say that I loved you.

Thank you for loving me, and allowing me to love you in the best way I can. You're one of the many things I thank God for everyday, and I never gave the word soulmate much thought until I met you. You said you aren't going anywhere, and if you're still in for the ride, so am I. I love you.

So Much,
Za

Ziggy's Friday Forethought 2: Estrogen Confusion

"But nevertheless don't mean to bust your bubble, but girls of the world ain't nothing but trouble..."

-The Fresh Prince, "Girls Ain't Nothing But Trouble"

I can count the number of female friends I have on one hand.

For as long as I remember, I've always been partial to hanging with those of the testosterone persuasion. My mother was sure that it was a phase; the awkward tomboy lifestyle that usually lasts until you stop wearing training bras, but I'm now well into my 20s and the XY chromosomes are still making their presence known in my life. Honestly, it was never a choice as to what gender of company I keep, but past experiences have taught me some harsh lessons, so I choose to keep my distance. I tried to embrace the female energy, truly I did, but each instance ended the same way: FAIL. I'll change names to protect the "innocent", but here are a couple examples.

-Case #1: Best friends since elementary school, Ziggy and Ashley* finally parted ways when entering middle school. Ziggy discovers that Ashley goes to her rival middle school, and they both have fun running the dozens about who's school is better. Things take a turn for the worse when Ashley and four other girls from her school viciously beat up Ziggy one day after school. Result: FAIL

-Case #2: Ziggy and Mia* have been best friends since birth. They've both equally confided in eachother on various subjects; boys being the majority as they got older. Mia gets involved with a mutual acquaintance of her and Ziggy, which turns sour after a few months. Before the end of their relationship, Mia and Ziggy get into argument due to Mia's incessant sharing of Ziggy's personal business with said boyfriend. Argument almost turns into physical altercation as Mia makes it clear that she is taking boyfriend's side. Violation of "the code"; result: FAIL

Now, these are just a couple of examples, but the most recent permanently seals my opinion and also provides further examples of why I would rather be in the company of the opposite sex. A while ago, after meeting Scuba for the first time, a female I consider to be a great friend said something that both angered and upset me.

"Damn Za, he's a cutie. What's he doing with you, though? I could never figure out how you pull these types of guys; good looking, good head on their shoulders, goals...the sex must be amazing."

*cue Flava Flav sound byte*

Wowwwwwwwwwwww. Seriously, though? Yes. She was dead serious; she really wanted to know. That's my problem. As females, it disgusts me that we have this wack ass crabs in a barrell complex with eachother. Can't be happy for a sista, but you'd love to take the time to dissect and tear down who I am to try and figure out why I have who/what I have. I would have answered my "friend", but I was too busy trying to keep my hands from developing a mind of their own and slapping whatever sense I could rattle up out of her. She basically assassinated my character right in front of me. She failed to perform her duties as a friend; instead of exclaiming her happiness for me, she decided to use her soapbox moment to display underlying jealousy by ripping my relationship apart. Not cool. If I hadn't been so upset, I would have given her an answer, and I'm sure it would have went like this...

"It's funny that you mention that, I'm still trying to figure out why dudes waste their time with you. All you do is sabotage everything. You're so used to being treated like s*it that when someone positive comes along, you automatically thing that something's up when it's not. You don't know how to be happy, so you're choosing to live vicariously through me and insult me at the same time. And although my sex life is not your business, we haven't had sex . Just because you choose to take the whore route by dropping your panties for every dude who blinks twice at you doesn't mean I'll do the same. And the bottom line is, I attract what I am and what I desire. Try changing your way of thinking, and maybe you too can pull a dude that cares about what's in your head instead of head."

I could have taken it there, but I chose the adult reaction; I said nothing, and after that conversation I decided to distance myself from her. If she's saying that to my face, Lord knows what she's saying about me to her friends, mutual or otherwise.

Since then, I've tried multiple times to begin new friendships with females, but there's always too much drama, and I always end up being the advice giver for situations that really don't require much thought. It's all too much work, and I'm a simple person. Besides that, I have my own issues and scrupples that need figuring, so I'm a little picky when it comes to dividing time between things that are important and pointless B/S. I've had too many instances where I've heard something come from a woman's mouth and gave her the "WTF?" face. Just doesn't cut it. Things just don't work out for me, which is totally fine; the female friends I have in my circle now are more than enough.

So, to my female readers (or really anyone who'd like to jump in), do you have a hard time seeing eye to eye with the same sex? Why? I know I can't be the only one to share the same reasonings. Let me know what you think.

(deuces.)

Ziggy's Friday Forethought*: Haters.

*this post was inspired by a conversation I overheard at work today. Of course I couldn't say anything to the customer, but if I could have, it would have went a little something like this...

It's time to bury the word HATER.

I'll make this short and to the point: over the past few years, the word "hater" has become some sort of verbal monster; being spewed out of mouths of any and everybody. As soon as you so much as disagree with the way a person breathes, you're labeled a hater. Maino released "Hi Hater" and I practically laughed my ass off; I wasn't aware that Maino was known or cared about enough to have haters in the first place.

Worse than the abuse of the word is the actual reasoning behind why people use it. Some people love to say they have haters for the most minimal of reasons--just because someone doesn't like the color of those Chucks you have on does not constitute them as a hater, genius. They just don't like the color. Now, if that person happens to hop in their car and roll over your Chucks with your feet still in them, yelling something like "You'll never wear another pair of Chucks again, mutha f&*^@!", they miiiiight be a hater. Or in serious need of a room with padded walls and a jacket so they can hug themselves all day.

In closing: kill it, people. There's nothing wrong with people disagreeing with your style/way of life/occupation/etc. No one has to like or appreciate everything you do. However, if there are people who spread vicious rumors or basically attack your character, that person is unhappy and could be labeled a hater. Other than that, keep it moving; realize that in life, there are some people who thrive on being unhappy, and you could be the fuel that keeps them going.

By the way, if you're one of those people who are constantly claiming to have haters, but have no evidence to back it up whatsoever? Anddddd not only do you make the claim, but notice that people tend to stay away from you? Anddddd you're a person who, with the more haters you claim to have, the less friends you actually keep?
You don't have haters. You're probably just an asshole.
You're welcome.

(deuces.)

*I'm debating on having Friday Forethoughts as a regular thing; probably to be typed during my last half hour of work. Thoughts, anyone?

Letting You In.

When I sat down to blog, the first thing I was thinking of typing was another rendition of that Facebook virus "25 Random Things About Me". But, no; I decided to be an onion and shed another layer for my readers*. Give you guys a deeper look into the encryptic mass that is my mind. It's a trip sometimes; having my inner most thoughts on a daily basis could cripple some people, but Someone thought it necessary to instill them in me. So, that mini epiphany aside, I'm going to talk about something I love more than anything. Ha! I said, something, so surprise...I won't be including another blogisode in the "I Love This Man: Scuba Steve" files with this post.

I'm talking about Audio Engineering.

It's my passion, literally. Engineering sound is something that I've loved for a long time; not as long as I've loved music but it's a pretty close second. And I don't just mean faders and pans, I'm talking signal flow--EQs, phantom power high/low cuts...all the in-betweens. Even went to school for it, and now it's something I'm slowly starting to make moves in. Today, I realized that I have my goals in order; I consider it an accomplishment because not only is each goal detailed, but I am doing the things to make my goals attainable. To put it plainly: I'm feeling pretty damn good about the way wheels are beginning to turn. There was a time where I was often pessimistic about a lot of things, but constant trips to rock bottom have finally served a purpose, and now I'm actually seeing a silver lining. Plus, I also started noticing that my negative thoughts had a habit of coming to fruition, so I learned quickly to not speak every thing into existance.

Long and short? I'd love to be the Chief Engineer/Mixer of a recording studio. Behind the scenes is definitely where it's at for me; the idea of being the person to make your music really sound like something makes me drunk with power. Honestly, I love the fact that it really is a science to sound, and a certain technique that should be mastered when it comes to the art of Mixing. I'm not talking about mixing like your favorite DJ, I mean automating the horns to crescendo when the chorus drops in; or tweaking a gate on kick drum to give it that sound like the pedal is made of feathers when it strikes the head. Or, better yet; what kinds of microphones require phantom power to fully function? What's the difference between a monitor fader and an input fader? I know. And it's because I love knowing that I figure the best way to make money is to be the best in what I love best.

My brother is a person who has somewhat the same desire as me, so we've put our brains together and created a production company. I won't be crazy and reveal every tiny detail, but I will say we have a team. We're basically a family of drummers, writers, dancers, actors, tag artists, emcees...we've got a team. Please note: this is not some lame attempt to "feel myself" in any matter. Arrogance is a quality I tend to have zero tolerance for, and hypocrisy is another that gets under my skin. I wish not to combine the two, but I am happy to have certain people in my life because I know they're here for a reason. Sliding back to the matter at hand, I would like to mention that the first track that you hear when stopping by my blog is actually a track that we've made. We go by the name of BlackMuzik, and if this post wasn't long enough already, I'd include a backstory on how we got the name. Next post, I promise. Anyways, we have a Myspace page up, and if you ask us, it's doing fairly well.

http://www.myspace.com/blackmuzikpro

That's just in case you didn't see the link in the above paragraph. We're always looking for new friends to share our music with, so if you've got a Myspace page somewhere in your social networking rolodex, add us to your list of cool friends.

All in all, I'm loving the direction I'm going in. It was a tricky start, but I'm glad to get the ball rolling in some shape or fashion. Maybe I'll have another post about this in the near future, but with even better news.

Thanks for reading; I know this was long, but you learned something else about me. How cool is that?!

(deuces.)

*Just wanted to say a quick Welcome to new readers. Having readers makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks again, all of you are awesome...and your blogs rock!

just for kicks: peep the header photo...

...yeah, the picture at the tippy top of the blog. The biiiig picture.
Ha, it's me. Just had a sweet moment of nostalgia with moms for a quick second; started looking at pictures from yesteryear. You know, sit on the couch and reminisce for hours type of nostalgia. That picture was taken in a time where my daddy's short fro was still only slightly peppered with gray, and me and mommy's hair was cornrowed in similar patterns...with wooden beads, thank you. It also reminds me of a time I sometimes miss most; a time when phrases like "bank account" and "payment due" weren't in my not-too-limited vernacular. A time when I had no idea what cooties even was...and what was the big deal about boys, anyway?? The only thing I was concerned with was being in front of the tv in time for Care Bears, Smurfs, Reading Rainbow (my all-time-FAVORITE); and making sure I carried my "My First Library" series with me whereever I went.

Ahhhh. I really, really miss those days.

But...check the Garfield nightgown, though. And...are those minnie mouse slippers?
Who's working on building a time machine?! Sheesh!

(deuces.)

"I wrote this blog a long time ago, it was the dopest blog I ever wrote..."

...in '94.

Okay, not really; but here's something I posted on my Myspace blog a while back, before I discovered the blogger world. It was one of those long, long nights when thinking too hard can lead to...well, what you're about to read. It's basically a collections of things I've learned in Life's Relationships Course. Strictly my own opinion, of course, but if you feel the need to share your thoughts on the four letter word that gets us all in trouble, don't hesitate to drop a comment.


Love gives someone else the ability to hurt you more than you could ever hurt yourself. By either saying or returning those three words, and meaning them, you're opening yourself to a world that's new to you; and sometimes you may never figure it out. Walk the roads with the skeletons in your closet as your buddy system, you may have to return to them for twisted guidance. Past hurt will either tell you what to do, or what NOT to pursue. The only choice you have in love is when to love harder; stopping is an option, but sometimes not an easy one. Love can sometimes equal to stupidity, it can be compared to staring directly into the sun; looking into something so beautiful for so long may blind you.

Be careful in love, some make it out with their sanity, some not at all. Each experience should be taken as a lesson, take notes; there will be pop quizzes. The final exam is in the end...have you grown? Or have you been blinded too much to grow?

When asking "what's wrong?", "nothing" will be the loudest word you ever hear. Period.

Silence can kill you, fill the room like the coldest tension. Making the first move could be like stepping out onto a minefield. The smallest thing can set off the most disastrous reaction; think and choose your words wisely.

Love also has a positive, brighter side. Growth, maturity, maybe wisdom. Some of the greatest lessons in life can be learned in love, if "done" correctly. Love is selflessness. Despite the popular saying, love IS saying sorry. Humility is often a trait human beings lack; love will help you to develop this. Love can make you smarter, a relationship is a general waste if you aren't learning. It is acceptance under all conditions, and in that, it's learning that sometimes there is no such thing as a "flaw"; just a personality trait that you may not have.
Love is maturity when, God forbid, it's all over.
Love is not stagnation. If you feel there's nowhere to go in a relationship, sticking around and waiting for change is pointless as well as naive.
Love is laughter, anger, sadness. How you cope with the emotional rollercoaster will affect you for your lifetime. Love is never perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. Fairy tales aren't even perfect until the end. Love is truth even when it hurts, that's when it counts most.
Love is a ride and a journey. YOUR decisions in love will ultimately affect not only your life, but that of your mate. Your thoughts are ultimately his/her thoughts, use those wisely, as well.
Love is loving yourself harder first....to make it a breeze loving someone else just as hard.

(deuces.)

damn, baltimore.

I'm getting pretty sick of blogging about this, but it's intriguing and saddening at the same time. So saddening, in fact, that from this post on, any dealings with Baltimore City and its homicide rate will have the title "damn, baltimore". "Oh, baltimore" just doesn't seem to be enough anymore.

I haven't been watching the news much since I really don't sit still long enough anymore, but I do play catch up via the mobile device, and I just discovered that our number of homicides has jumped to 29. Now, in part 4, I stated that the number was 21. That was on 1/30; so in almost two weeks, we've had 8 more.

But Ziggy, why change the title of the blog for eight more homicides? Can't you keep adding more parts?
Trust me, I'd rather not post this at all, but since I live in this city I figured I'd shed light on exactly what's going on. And the number of homicides increasing is little to no reason for me to change up the title, but this definitely is.

After finding this last night, my brother and I have dubbed this THE MURDER MAP.

Sadly, you can click "The Murder Map" to try it out on your own.
The Baltimore Sun has actually integrated an interactive map on their website so you can see the exact locations of the homicides for 2009. It also goes back as 2008 (234) and 2007 (282). The map has a key at the bottom; red balloons represent homicides, green for blunt force, black for stabbing, blue for asphyxiation and white is unknown. According to the murder map, 25 of the 29 homicides this year have been shootings.

But, wait! There's more!
If you click on the tiny balloons, you'll get a detailed description of the victim's name, place of homicide, the victim's race, age and gender; cause of death, date of death and where the victim died. The fact that this is something provided over the internet is simply insane.

So, readers in other states: do you guys have any..."tools"...such as this? If you do, feel free to share them; just curious to know if there are others that exist...because if we're the only ones to have this, I'm afraid.

(deuces.)

Vulnerable.

Okay, so... I'd like to say I'm sort of tough. I mean, some may agree; judging by my posts, I really haven't posted anything too...open. I always talk about music, something random and always with a splash of humor, sarcasm and real thought. But, every so often, I let loose and simoultaneously let my guard down. It can be a good thing, a great thing...I just hate being too...mushy. If I'm not writing it in a poem, you won't hear it from me. My own defense mechanism. I'll let you in if I deem you worthy enough.

The only thing that gets me open is music. Music is a powerful thing, you know. High frequencies can make you feel alive, jubilant; while lower frequencies can drive emotions of anger and sexual energy. Listen to your favorite Plies song. That's why you feel like stabbing someone after getting it in with your chick...on the same song. Depending on what I'm listen to, if you pay attention you can almost easily determine my mood. I listen to what centers me in a given situation.

Now, if you've been reading, you'll remember my post about Beyonce (hilarious video included) a while back. Well, B's done it again, dammit. I only took a couple of listens to I Am...Sasha Fierce, so I didn't give it a chance to do my usual nerd thing and dissect every track. Recently, Scuba and I had been hitting some rough patches for a little while now, so naturally I've been turning to music to soothe me. I was sitting at the PC one day, letting iTunes randomly play out my life, and I stumble across some of the most beautiful lyrics I've heard...well, not most (do you listen to Phyllis Hyman?!), but given the situation, I was feeling a little sensitive at the time.

Damn you, Mrs. Knowles-Carter, for "Halo".

Halo - Beyoncé

The song was so...necessary at that time; combined with my emotions of the moment, I was almost moved to tears. Some songs (if "formatted" correctly) can tap into your mental, and before you know it, you're belting along, picturing your loved one standing in front of you while you serve him what's his a la "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going". Not that that was me or anything.

I'll have you know, Scuba and I are doing great. Life just has the habit of forcing lessons on you when you least expect it. But the truth is, and I tell him this on a daily basis, this is the best relationship I've been in...ever. The love is there, the respect is definitely there and he's my best friend, so we don't have to worry about awkward moments when it's time to have adult conversations. I could say so much about one man...but I'm tough, remember? That's all you get for one month.

(deuces.)

oh, baltimore pt 5: yapp city

Wanna know something funny?
I talked myself out of being robbed the other night.

Now, I've been blogging about B-More and the violence that inhabits it. But, I never would have thought that the next entry in the "oh, baltimore" series would be my own story. I also never thought that my story would start in Randallstown, of all places. Gentrification at it's best, if you ask me, because this time maybe 6 or 7 years ago, the only bangin' going on was the sound of deer going through garbage cans.

Anyways, I digress. God was definitely on my and my people's side, because we all got away...and I was the only one that was 20 bucks short. A simple gas station run turned into one of the most funny/dangerous scenarios I've ever encountered.

"So, what had happened was..."

*cue dramatic flashback fx*

*Jungle stands at the pump, waiting for the transaction to finish. Enter **Dumb Thug.
Dumb Thug: What's good my man, I got this PSP right here, tryna get it up off me. What you got?
Jungle: Man, I'm broke. I ain't got nothing for you.
Dumb Thug: Come on, my nig, I know you got a little something. Gimme $2...
Jungle: I don't have it, man.
Dumb Thug walks off, harrasses another patron and comes back. Upon approaching Jungle, he's seen putting on gloves and grabbing his waist. Ziggy catches a glimpse of his burner from inside the car and calls Scuba Steve, who is at his job less than a half block away.
Dumb Thug: Come on homie, I know you got something. Gimme $5, then.
Jungle: Look, I told you I'm broke. I don't have it.
Dumb Thug: Aight, nigga. Six, then.
Ziggy notices Dumb Thug getting too close to Jungle, so she grabs her beat-a-fool stick and places it by the driver side door, then steps out of the car in an attempt to diffuse the situation.
Ziggy: J, you want something from in the store?
Dumb Thug(interrupting Jungle): Hey Miss, I got this PSP right here, and these headphones; I just wanna make a couple dollars right quick.
Ziggy: Look brotha, I don't even need that, but what do you need? I just got out of the car to make sure my brother was alright, you kinda walked up--
Dumb Thug: Well just gimme $10, then. I'm tryna get me and my homeboys home.
Ziggy: Let me run over here, grab some change and I got you. Then we can be on our way.
Ziggy walks over to gas station attendant to get change, but is interrupted before she can get there. Dumb Thug snatches money from her hand, announces he has a gun and starts making demands...

Everything that transpired after that is just wonderful proof that God has my back and the backs of the ones I love. My brother's girlfriend was also with us, she stayed in the car. Dude basically started going off...but wasn't doing what he said he was going to do. What we didn't notice, were the three other guys that were with him, but luckily, Scuba was pulling up at the same time things were getting a little heated. Then when we thought things couldn't get crazier, Scuba gets out of his car--and realizes he knows one of the guys trying to rob us. At that point, the guy he knows is trying to calm his boy down, telling him to just forget about it. Funny, weren't you just egging him on; saying things like "do what you do...come on, man!"...does that ring a bell? My brother and I were still standing outside while Dumb Thug's telling us that we're giving him and his homeboys a ride to wherever they're going, and when Scuba gets there and Dumb Thug realizes he's with me, he gets excited. Two whips AND more money? Shit, yeah!

But he only got 20 bucks.

He snatched the money from my hand, which was totally fine; I didn't want to make any sudden moves, and I wasn't walking too far away from my family. Sure, he flashed his gun, and he was hype...but I think my and my brother's energy wasn't the energy he needed for him to successfully pull this thing off. He probably needed someone who was visibly afraid, making no eye contact and meeting his every demand. My brother and I talked to him. After he took the $20 started demanding a ride and more cash, I looked right at him and said, "Brotha, I don't even know you, and I just spotted you a 20 spot. You really wanna do this out here?"...and he really didn't, you could tell. If someone who is really about what they're about, they'll do what they have intentions of doing, no questions. I think my brother and I threw him off by talking to him like a human being. He probably doesn't have brothers and home who call him "brotha", something else that I'm sure startled him. Basically talked him down until he felt like he really wasn't about a damn thing.
"These people calling me 'brotha', talkin' to me all nice...and she did give me $20...I can't even do this, man..."
I'm pretty sure those were the thoughts running through his mind, but due to his boys being there (probably some sort of initiation) pumping him up, he kept getting hype...for no reason at all. Luckily, when Scuba got there, his presence acted as a diversion. He started asking the guy that he knew what was going on, so Dumb Thug gets upset because, well, you shouldn't be chummy with the people you're about to rob/kill. So, while Dumb Thug is getting too excited, further showing us that he's not going to do a damn thing, we all hopped back into our cars and got the hell out of there.

That's my story. Sorry it was so(!) long, but I felt the need to really go in depth with that one since it was personal. This isn't something that's never happened before, but this experience helped show me that I really have no fear in these types of situations. I mean, if you think about it...what can another human being do to you, that karma won't do seven times worse to them? And if that's the way I'm supposed to go; at the hands of some ignorant, desperate youngin', so be it. That's my philosophy. Gye Nyame. "Except God, fear none". And it was certainly put to the test Wednesday night. Think I did pretty well. I'm still here.

One thing that's hilarious: my brother and I got home that night and laughed about the whole thing. Laughed even harder when he said we were in a live Nu World skit.

(deuces.)

psychology.

*before I begin, I'd like to gloat and say...check out my blog spree, kid.

B-)

True, it's not what I've been saying I'll post; truthfully, I know those posts will require more attention and time. This post, the five previous, and maybe more to follow, have been strictly off the cranium. Happenstance, if you will. I'd advise you to enjoy it while it lasts; I'm human, and subject to brain farts, thus; lack of focus/drive from time to time. To be frank: Blogging won't be priority for some time. :)

I'm taking this mental regurgitation as a blessing, because writing is definitely still my second greatest release. Music is still the first love. Although, some would argue that writing/poetry is music. I'm rambling.

To the post.*

I talk about Scuba Steve a lot. But, honestly, at the end of the day; Scuba isn't the one who brought me into this world and basically molded me to love him (ha, my own "I love you", to you babe). I've gotta talk about the woman who knows me better than any person ever will. Seriously. We shared an umbilical cord, man. An umbilical cord.

It's mommy!

Twins, right? Those who know us know that it's terribly difficult to distinguish who's who over the phone; and I've been subject to many an unwanted conversation because people call for moms, assume it's her when it's really me, and keep talking. She's the one who I tell literally everything to; I confide in her even when some things I tell her may hurt her, because she wants to be there for me in any way possible. She helps me when she knows she shouldn't or doesn't have to. We compete against eachother in silly little contests, like the ticket stub count. And no matter how many times she may say it, I really do know a good half of those life lessons she's always talking about. I'm an old soul, and I credit that to her, but she sometimes doesn't give me credit in knowing because...well, she's mommy.
My mother is a mental health therapist. She used to work directly with clients; substance abusers who have mental illnesses, but now she serves as a Grant Director for a counseling program. Smart as a whip. And due to her psychology background, she often benefits in having in-house patients: myself, my brother and father. Last night, my brother and I were tripping because we finally figured out one of moms' tactics. Ha! We finally have it down to a science. It's like this: you're in trouble, and YOUR response could either further the trouble you're in, or kill the whole situation. You can either diffuse the situation, or say the wrong thing and face consequences. The thing about the latter is...she can confuse you; make you think you're off the hook, then the next thing you know, it's 7AM (on your day off) and you're the victim of a random tongue lashing while half asleep. No bueno.

So, moms: we've got you figured out, somewhat. Regardless of the mind games (ohhhhh, the games), you're still an awesome woman. Don't stop being awesome.
I'm only being cheesy-nice because I'm hoping to inherit that psychology gene to use on my children. I've been waiting for so long to say "because I said so!"...*evil laugh*

(deuces.)